After every screening, we are reminded that the undeniable gift of A Lot Like You is its power to ignite dialogue and invite introspection.
So we’ve created this space for you to post (anonymously if you wish) your questions and comments about A Lot Like You directly to the creative team. Your reflections and feedback about the film are most welcome!!
We will post our written/video responses to your questions regularly, and look forward to seeing where this conversation takes us…
Hello! I am a student from the University of New England, School of Social Work, online. First let me say – great, awesome film! Thank you for doing this. Culture, heritage, all very important! Did you ever tell your dad about your abuse as a child, face-to-face? I am so sorry that happened to you. No child should endure such things! No person should. And, did you get therapy for the trauma this abuse has caused you? Thanks again for the honesty, love and information that you imparted to us all…Again, well crafted movie! Also, LOVE the videos of “Lucy” – 2 cute!
hi kate!!
thanks so much for your kind words about our film!!
i promise to reply in the next few days.
your question about working through my experiences of abuse–both on my own, and with my parents–is a good one…and, as you might imagine, one we get asked quite a bit at post-screening Q&A’s.
so i think it’s high time for me to post something about it here.
promise to get back to you this weekend.
~eli
Thank you so much for responding, Eli! Will look forward to your post! Have a good weekend!
Kate
You know Kate, the conversation between Dad and I about my experiences of abuse didn’t unfold in the way you might imagine. Given the choice, I would have had a series of facilitated conversations leading up to the sharing of our final film.
But as it turned out, that choice wasn’t mine to make. For better or worse, 9,000 miles and 2 years stood in the way of my being able to sit down and have a heart-to-heart with my Dad. So this film, in its characteristic style, unfolded along its own timeline. And in the process, it granted me the gift of space and time…although I didn’t come to see it as a “gift” until a year later.
The finished film made its way to Tanzania, and after prepping them as best as I could, Mom and Dad sat down together and had their own experience with the film.
Mom wrote me a letter that night–one I hope to share with you at a later date, because nothing I say will be more powerful than the words she wrote in that moment…
As for my own experience getting therapeutic support, I explored various counselors and methodologies on-and-off from the time I was 15. But it wasn’t until I was in my 30s that I found a counselor that I really clicked with.
So mostly, I worked through my childhood experiences through
(1) writing in my journal,
(2) majoring in psychology (so I could self-diagnose ~yikes!~ and find some way to contextualize my experiences of abuse and trauma), and
(3) activism–working as a crisis counselor/community organizer supporting survivors of sexual and domestic violence.
FYI, I reflected on how all the above played out in my life in my recent keynote address at the WA State Coalition Against Domestic Violence annual conference. If you’re interested and have, like, 45 minutes you can see the video here.
I still plan on posting a video response that speaks to this question about the subsequent conversations/impact of this film on my relationship with my family (Dad in particular). But didn’t want your question to go unanswered too long…
Thanks for being the first person to jump in and get this conversation started!
Thank you so much Eli for responding! I just watched WSCADV where you spoke on your experiences. I loved how you said “It does not matter how I personally feel about my identity”…”People will take one look at me and construct their own meaning”. How sad and how true. But! You found your way – through personalizing/politically the experience!
I really enjoyed your thoughts, insights and creative words. I like how you said “Pain in motion – heals, when pain gets stuck, trapped, there is no healing” (paraphrasing). So real! Pain in motion – what a way to express the truth! And I agree, we all need to let go, be in touch with our creative, inspirational modes of living…great things can and do happen!
As far as your journey in your life and getting to the “root” of your abuse issues and the ways you overcame those – great work! I am glad that you connected, finally, with a great-for-you therapist!
I will look forward to reading your mom’s letter. Thank you for this. And your dad’s response, well, I think I saw in the film his shame and regret about his sister’s treatment; however, I think his hands were tied at that time in his life. Culture is – what culture is.
Thanks again for this inspiring, lovely, creative and informative film! Also, thank you for “taking the risks” to put it all out there. I am sure it has helped many other people. Blessings to you and yours….Kate
So sweet of you to watch the wscadv piece!! Sounds like there were some nuggets in there that resonated with you.
It was such a luxury to have that amount of time to really reflect on the role that writing and storytelling have played in my understanding of who i am, and what it is exactly that i bring to the party
Thank you for your kind words and sweet email!
You ARE sweet. You are welcome! We have many writers in our family (myself included) but no one has really studied journalism (except our youngest son in Japan). We also have so many artists (almost, of every kind) that are professional and not educated as well. You are right, writing is such a beautiful gift from God! Expressing our thoughts through words – is so amazing! I like how you talked about the “control (logical) images the brain wants to bombard us with so strongly!” And to “Let go”! I love to be creative – in the presence of the creator.
My son’s father has had two major strokes in Portland, OR (Black, Native American). We have been friends for 38 years! I am white, blue eyed, Irish and blond, ha! He is coming to stay at my home in Arizona on Saturday a.m.! I am frantically trying to fix up the spare bathroom, and bedroom, thinking about the things that I will have to adjust to (not running around half dressed from writing for school, etc)! Quite an adjustment for us both! My home is so peace-filled, quiet, lovely and cozy (and the desert is healing) and even though he has Aphasia (slightly) he is able to walk, etc. Thanks be to God! I know he and I will follow God on how to relate again after many years and with God’s guidance, I will know how to help him: )
Some of my dearest friends say “Why are you trying to help him? Why are you on the phone with the paramedics, doctors, etc.?” He is not your responsibility!” Little do they know, my nursing background and his medical experience along with having shared two sons, and our abiding friendship all of these years – makes it my responsibility to do my best for Thomas! Anyway, on a new adventure here in Arizona Land. That little Lucy, she is a doll! How old is she now? Thanks for reading my book. (HA!) Take care…You are the best! …Kate
Eli, thanks for giving us this opportunity to have this dialogue :-] I was struck by the fact that your dad’s Tanzanian family lived so close to each other yet never connected. What are your thoughts about why that was? Did they get more connected after you got them together for that life-altering talk? (Do they get together now?) Thanks so much for your time – lynn, une student
Hi Lynn,
Thanks so much for your post!
I was also caught off guard by how reserved the siblings were when they were together. I thought they might relish this opportunity to gather and reminisce about their childhoood and their parents…maybe even share some dirt about Dad’s childhood mischief. But those stories never happened.
Perhaps because the notion of “family gathering” is a foreign concept. And I think there are many reasons for that. One possibility is that–while everyone in my family is a practicing Christian, the influence of traditional spirituality and ancestral worship still looms large, governing their day-to-day choices and actions. So you never speak ill of people who have passed…especially your parents!
So it took well over an hour of persistent probing to melt through their steely resolve and get to the meat of their childhood stories. And once the truth started to pour out (which were as hilarious as they were brutal), they were hard to contain.
Today, I would have to say that Dad and his siblings are definitely more connected, lines of communication are open, and many long-standing sibling rivalries have been set aside. In addition to the wheels that were set in motion during that initial conversation, I think my Aunt’s gratitude celebration, and her subsequent passing, played a huge role in transforming the siblings’ relationships. Since then, my parents have initiated reaching out to the broader “Kimaro” clan, extending our family network and creating a sense of communal interdependence.
When I asked my Dad to reflect on the conversation we filmed, he had this to say:
I want to congratulate you on finding your voice. It was not about your parents but about you and your journey of understanding your process of identity construction. Your film will impact lots of people.
Your voice is honest, compassionate, and able to integrate multiple perspectives of understanding of you and your roots. I am really glad you are able to use your experience of abuse to assist other women. Yet, I ache for you and the ingrained sexism of our society and others.
Your film will be a marvelous contribution to many people with their own understanding of who they are.
It took us years to realize that the story we were telling here was my own, and not my parents. For 85% of this film’s life, the story was centerred around Dad’s journey–his life and his efforts to fit back into the family and culture he’d left behind 40 years earlier.
But after having that final conversation with mom and dad, I became increasingly aware that if we were going to do justice to this emerging story, we needed to shift the focus of our story from my Dad’s story to my own. And while Dad was my vehicle in to Chagga culture, the story of the journey we embark on had to be told from my perspective.
Without a doubt, this was the toughest part of the entire 8 year journey for me — my struggle to believe that I had the right to take up space with my story. That what I thought, as a queer, mixed-race, woman of color who’s the daughter of immigrants — that my story would Matter to anyone but Me.
But indeed, what we found was the more personal and vulnerable we got in our storytelling, the more universal our story became.
Thank you for taking the time to write!
I am so glad that you decided to change the “current” of the story to be about you!
It was a beautiful film that I could related to on a multitude of levels. I grew up outside of DC in a similar SES status. My mother’s family were Portugese immigrants and I married a German and am raising 2 boys who are GERMAN-American, in Germany. Beautiful work and beautiful job understanding your parent’s perspectives. REALLY beautiful, even when your very wise father’s point of view feels offensive.
I am glad that you found the value in your story.
I just spent a “girls weekend” in Europe. After several intimate moments with my 40+ year old girlfriends I have known for over 10 years, we all revealed the fact that all 5 of us had been in a situation where sexual assault was/could have been imminent.
Thank you figuring out that your story was as significant as your aunt’s.
Peace and love,
Kirsten
Hi Kirsten,
What an intense revelation to have surface on your girls’ weekend in Europe. That each of you have experienced that moment when sexual violence feels imminent.
And yet, how great that you & your girlfriends have such an intimate relationship that you can open up and share these painful truths with one another. That to me is such a huge piece — finding these opportunities to connect with those we love, to talk, and to get these painful truths out into the open so that they are no longer ours alone to carry.
And your words about my story having value and significance…thank you for gifting me this.
Eli, Thank you for sharing your and your family’s experience with us. It was a great film that brought a lot to light regarding how difficult it can be finding out who we really are. It also though allowed us to see how we can gain stenght from it. How has this experience and the events you learned of changed how you live today? Did you ever get to fully tell you father of what happened and how did he respond (Knowing how he had felt about what happended to his sisters)? Thanks again, Dawn, UNE Student.
Thank you Dawn, I appreciate your insight about the complexities of understanding who we really are, and couldn’t agree with you more. I’m amazed at how often we discover the true depth of our strength as we move towards/through life’s most challenging and revealing moments.
I’ve said it before–if I knew the road this film was going to lead me down, never would I have gotten on that plane!! But fortunately, this journey revealed itself gradually, and in moderate, digestible chunks…
“How has this experience and the events you learned of changed how you live today?” such a profound question! I’ll have to reflect on that more. But for now, I’d say this experience has left me far more mindful of how our unspoken truths shape the stories we pass down to our kids about who they are and where they come from.
In a recent interview, our producer/composer Pete Droge pointed out that one of the reasons why that final conversation with Mom and Dad is so powerful is because we are witnessing, in real time, that moment, that precise moment when our hidden truths are being called out, and we’re being forced to reckon with the notions of culture we pass down…(Pete said it so much more eloquently. I’ll be sure to post this video clip in the coming weeks.)
So I have a deeper understanding and appreciation of the complexities of what constitutes “culture”–how the culture I was seeking was actually not something that could be performed or packaged or manufactured. But rather, it was the culture that’s just embedded in the marrow of your bones, and manifests in the mundane details of how we relate to others and live our lives.
This documentary is something so powerful and so meaningful.
Not only does it get to the core of fundamental issues that we see in this world, it is so sincere and real/raw. Amazing…
It has the conversation between generations, across cultures, and ultimately, portrays the individual truths (and not just yours, but your aunts’ as well).
It has a conversation about identity, relationships, racism, sexism, violence and more. I simply cannot imagine a better way for this film to have turned out…
So sweet–thank you! Without a doubt, our biggest challenge moving A Lot Like You out into the world is resisting this ever-present pressure to simplify how we package our story in order to give this film a singular focus that people can latch on to…especially given the current interest in single-issue documentaries that have a specific call to action.
One of our film’s strengths is its ability to unpack the story of culture and identity by weaving together experiences of race, gender, violence, class. As we think about how to “position ourselves optimally for educational distribution” (as my Dad might say), we’re finding new and exciting ways of developing compelling curricular content that makes use of all the issues we raise in our film.
And while I know this layered storytelling can feel overwhelming to some, it’s a welcome relief for others. So thank you for your willingness and ability to hold the whole story.
My first reaction is that it’s very compelling material, a really emblematic postcolonial, post-globalization, and postmodern story that is timely in each of these ways.
I particularly liked the way in which A Lot Like You personalizes the emergent tension between cultural relativist or postcolonial sensibilities on the one hand and the notion of universal human rights on the other.
This is one of the defining questions of our time: how do we embrace/embody the values of the various declarations on human rights without re-engaging in modernist or colonial projects? It’s a fraught problem for a time of global cultural diffusion and awareness.